Welcome one and all to the 13^th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup!

For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won. I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness. I do not watch any of the fashion shows before writing this recap. I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves. I do have the assistance of an adult beverage. This year, I selected an excellent New Zealand chardonnay – light and crisp with citrus overtones.

Before we begin, some general comments:

Well that was a speedy little show. I clocked it at 3 hours 18 minutes. Jon Stewart was an acceptable and relatively inoffensive host. I applaud his decision to bring the Marketa Irglova back out to make her speech. Classy, Jon. (And it was a great song!)

I wish to salute the women for wearing color this evening. Apparently, red is in. I am pleased. I love red.

Can someone please explain to me the purpose of Seth Rogen? Seriously, a female version of him would get no work and would be publicly excoriated for her lack of attention to her appearance and grooming. I saw Knocked Up and, frankly, I thought Enchanted was less of a fairy tale.

Speaking of Enchanted, somebody on the production staff must be very angry at Amy Adams. She got the evening’s “no production” number. But the performances of the Enchanted songs made it obvious how tied to the movie they were. Lovely in the film, but falling flat when they stood alone.

Why do men not understand that they MUST choose – either clean-shaven or bearded. Pick one. Go with it. It’s the indecision that’s unattractive. Javier Bardem, you are an amazing actor and good to your mom, but the facial hair was almost as bad as the movie haircut. James MacAvoy, I think you are wondrously talented and your accent kills me, but the uncertain facial hair is wrong. Wrong, I tell you! If you are going to do facial hair, commit to it, like Dennis Hoper and Viggo Mortensen.

After her disaster at the British Academy Awards, I was pleased to see Marion Cotillard in a floor length dress, even if it did appear to be made of macramé. You can tell she’s French. No American woman would have called attention to her derriere that way.

I thought Laura Linney’s dress was terribly bland (she should have kept some of her wardrobe from The Nanny Diaries), but she is so terribly gracious. What a lady.

Anne Hathaway is gorgeous, but all of her dresses just miss. This year, her stunning updo and fabulous red silk were ruined by her desire to accessorize with the plastic lei she won at the pre-Oscar carnival. I shudder to think what will happen next year when the Oscars are right around Mardi Gras.

Someone should suggest that Harrison Ford seek a psychological consultation for his daughter. I think she might have an eating disorder. What do you mean that wasn’t his daughter?

I have no idea how any of the stars could talk to the ABC pre-show host Shaun Robinson Every time I looked at her, all I could see was the attack of the panty lines. If you plan to wear a dress that tight, you need to wear a seamless undergarment or go commando.

I know there was a writer’s strike. I was, however, unaware that there was a hairstylist’s strike. Apparently, there was a severe shortage of hairdressers capable of creating sassy little updos with sparkling hairpins and glittering combs. This is the only possible explanation for the profusion of ponytails I saw on the Oscar stage. Never have I seen so many gorgeous women in couture gowns and my Saturday errand hair. I realize that these were “green” Oscars, but there are environmentally safe hairsprays and you can recycle bobby pins!

Miley Cyrus, Ellen Page, and Cameron Diaz would have made the best dressed list if the hair had met the standard of the gown.

I adore Daniel Day-Lewis. I have for years. Tonight should have been his fourth Oscar, not his second. Plus, his acceptance was lovely. He kissed George Clooney, bowed to Helen Mirren, and spoke movingly of fathers and sons. (For those who don’t know, his grandfather was a knight – Sir Michael Balcon – who produced over 200 films and started Alfred Hitchcock’s career. His father was poet laureate of England.) But that tux with the beige piping is all kinds of wrong I realize that his hair is just naturally unruly. For him, I will make an exception and permit a ponytail. But I love the earrings.

Does anyone know who the man with Faye Dunaway was? Her dress was bland but he was one of the night’s best accessories.

I am so over Jack Nicholson and the shades. Aren’t his 15 minutes up yet?

Congrats to Philip Seymour Hoffman. He may have lost Oscar, but he discovered the comb. I have never seen him looking so well groomed.

It was nice to see Owen Wilson looking well.

It was strange to see well-endowed ladies calling still more attention to their endowments. Yes, I’m talking to you, Jennifer Hudson and Jessica Alba. (Jessica, you have pregnancy boobs already – you don’t need to top them with maribou).

Is it just me or do the Coen brothers look like a slightly cleaned up version of the guys you’re afraid to sit next to on the subway?

On the other hand, so many men manage to be elegant and understated in their tuxes: Forrest Whitaker, Alan Arkin, Josh Brolin.

How sad is it that Nicole Kidman had to get pregnant to achieve a normal weight. Loved the dress, but the necklace looked like an accident. And where were my gratuitous shots of Keith Urban in the audience?

Julie, Julie, Julie [Christie]. Such a gorgeous woman. Such a lovely dress.Why did you forget the bottom half? Still in character, I guess.

And now, on to this year’s awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: Patrick Dempsey: He was there to be eye candy. Mission accomplished.

Third Place: Dwayne Johnston: Classy. Elegant. Good show.

Colin Ferrell: The combination of the hair, the beard, and the accent clicked. He was making a statement and this year it had a noun, a verb, and punctuation!

Second Place: George Clooney: No man in Hollywood wears glamour as well as he does. Always perfectly turned out, gracious, smooth, and classy. Frankly, the only reason he’s second is his poor choice of accessories. A girlfriend who remembers the 70s and can speak in complete sentences would suit him far better.

First Place: Johnny Depp: The perfect combination of eccentric nerd and panty-melting stud! That’s how you do just a bit of facial hair so it looks intentional, not like your razor was confiscated by the TSA. He always manages to set his own standard and look just like himself. Someday Oscar will recognize his genius.

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Hilary Swank:I don’t think she’s a lace kind of girl, but the cut was lovely and the hair was the best I’ve ever seen on her.

Saiorse Ronan: She was dressed like a very lovely 12 year-old girl. How refreshing was that! And James MacAvoy was her date! That’s setting the standard high for the future.

Ruby Dee: Looking luscious in an age appropriate creation of red satin.

Third Place: Katherine Heigl: Glamorous red silk. A hairstyle from the golden age of Hollywood. Simply exquisite. May she show the taste in picking her roles that she shows in picking her clothes.

Renee Zellwenger: Silvery elegance! And bonus points since she looked like she’s eaten this week!

Second Place: Helen Mirren: I didn’t like the dress on the red carpet. The sleeves seemed not to fit the gown. Then I saw them under the lights and she glowed. She had the perfect hairstyle and she doesn’t look Botoxed to death. I want to be her when I grow up!

Penelope Cruz: Always the epitome of cosmopolitan glamour. Black satin accented with tulle and the best hair of the night.

First Place: Amy Adams: Her hair long, elegant, and flawless all night. A gown of forest green to set off her perfect skin. Bronze leaf earrings as the perfect accent. She looked like she’d be as at home in a nearby meadow or hollow tree as she was on a stage before a billion people. The queen of the woodland nymphs.

Worst Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention:

John Travolta. Still bloated and now, with helmet head!

Third Place: Bill Conti (the conductor): Maroon tie and cummerbund and a jacket made from car upholstery. And you wonder why they keep you under the stage.

Second Place: Glen Hansard: Loved your song. Loved your vision. Loved your accent. Buy a freaking tie already!

First Place: Kirk Francis (winner for sound): A patterned T-shirt under your tux. How terribly, terribly witty of you. (Yes, that was sarcastic. Thanks for asking.)

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Alexandra Byrne (winner for costume design): Bad glasses. Bad hair. And a dress made from drapery remnants. Strike three. You’re out.

Jan Archibald (winner for makeup): As a rule, two pieces are usually going to be a bad choice. While I salute the fact that you are not a size zero, your dress still needs to be the right size, not one size smaller than you.

Third Place: Rebecca Miller (aka Mrs. Day-Lewis): I don’t know what was worse, the tacky red ribbon straps or the ginormous jet brooch-like objects. You’re a gorgeous women who was sired by one genius and who sleeps with another. Frankly, I expect more of you.

Cate Blanchett: The hair was an abomination and the neckline of that dress was most unfortunate.

Second Place: Tilda Swinton: I’ve never seen someone wear a satin shroud to the Oscars. I hope I never see it again. I wonder if George Clooney knows she stole his Batman cape and had it made into a dress?

First Place: Diablo Cody: What’s not to love? A vulgar tat. A shapeless pseudo animal print. And a slit high enough that Tom Wilkinson started having flashbacks to the Full Monty. I realize that you used to be a stripper. I’m thinking naked would be an improvement.

That’s all for this year! See you at the movies!