Welcome one and all to the 14^th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup!  For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules.I don’t comment on who should or should not have won.  I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness.  I do not watch any of the fashion shows before writing this recap. I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves.  I usually have the assistance of an adult beverage.  This year, in light of the economic recession, I went for caffeine and chocolate. 

Before we begin, some general comments:

I timed the show at 3 hours 25 minutes.

I am filing this roundup from the Los Angeles area (Santa Monica to be precise).  I spent the evening struggling with the temptation to go to the Kodak with some hairspray, styling gel, and bobby pins.  Why is properly groomed hair such a challenge, year after year?  Flyaway is just wrong.  Comb it.  Gel it.  Clip it.  Pin it.  For heaven’s sake, people. It’s the Oscars. 

On the other hand, Zac Efron went a little overboard with the gel.  His hair isn’t going to move until Memorial Day.

Where was Daniel Day Lewis to give the award for Best Actor?  I know he’s shooting a new movie, but the rest of the cast was there.  His absence was unacceptable.

Hugh Jackman did fairly well as the host. I loved the tribute to musicals, but was less thrilled with the opening production number, though Anne Hathaway is an excellent sport.  (I will say that the fact that I didn’t see any of the nominated movies might have affected my appreciation of the humor.)

A special shout-out to the subject of the best documentary.  You have to love anyone who balances Oscar on his chin!  (Making money disappear in Hollywood doesn’t take any special talent.) Apparently, strapless gowns are in this year.  I am not amused.

How bizarre is it when the big surprise of the night is the Best Foreign Language Film?

The lack of Jack Nicholson was a blessing.  The lack of George Clooney was not.

I absolutely loved the personal tributes to each of the nominated acting performances. They were compelling and touching and obviously meant the world to the nominees.  There is nothing like a word of praise from a respected peer.

On the other hand, I hated the “In Memoriam” tribute.  I want to see these people and their names. They should fill the screen and be the focus. The long shots and the songs were simply unnecessary.

Was I the only one hoping that Sean Penn would French kiss Adrian Brody?

As always, Kate Winslet was lovely and elegant, but the dress which looked a compelling midnight blue on the red carpet looked strangely washed out under the lights.

In the great Jennifer/Angelina smackdown, we have a clear winner – Angelina.  Jennifer’s hair was all over the place and she seemed to be trying too hard.  Her only plus was the excellent decision to accessorize with John Mayer.  Angelina was wearing a stunning black strapless number and her hair was the picture of elegance.  And the emeralds she was wearing were bigger than my cellphone!

We had a bit too much black on black this evening, gentlemen.  The contrast of black on white is always lovely.

I hate to disagree with Tim Gunn, but I have to say that I was not loving Marisa Tomei’s gown.  The pleating was too complicated and the color too bland.

Why does Nicole Kidman insist on wearing white?  She has such lovely, delicate coloring and the white does her absolutely NO favors.

Josh Brolin, not loving the beard, dude.  I hope it’s for a role you’ve almost finished.

You do realize that Sophia Loren was dressed as a birthday cake.  But then, she’s Sophia Loren.

Dear heaven, Kevin Kline is tall! He made Joel Grey look like a kewpie doll. 

I absolutely loved the crystal curtain on the stage.  It was a lovely, elegant, glamorous effect.  And ABC can recycle it into costumes for Dancing with the Stars.

Did you hear the producers heave a sigh of relief when Jerry Lewis got through his speech without going off script?  And why the hell did it take so long to give him the humanitarian award?

Bill Maher, when you don’t even get nominated, let alone win an award, you don’t get to make political speeches.  Take your narrow little mind elsewhere please.

In contrast, the sound mixer for Slumdog Millionaire gave a lovely speech.  “You have handed over history.”  What a compelling image that is.

A special shout out to the accountants who did the fashion twirl on the red carpet.  You know, what this world really needs is more dancing accountants.

And now, on to this year’s awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention:

Kurt Russell:  Who’d have ever thought that the teen idol would grow up to be such an elegant, distinguished gentleman?

Third Place:  

Brad Pitt:  See guys, that’s how you do it. A nicely fitted tux.  A well-trimmed beard.  A sense of humor about yourself.  Simply classic.

Second Place:  

John Legend:  The man is cool and the music’s hot.  What else is there to say?

First Place:

Hugh Jackman:  I don’t usually give an award to the host, but Hugh Jackman was born to wear a tux (or nothing – I’m flexible.)

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mentions:

Viola Davis: An antique gold halter accented with a diamond brooch. My dear, you sparkle in all the best ways. Amy Adams:  From last year’s wood nymph to this year’s Christmas elf (though wearing the tree garland around your neck is a bit much, Amy.)  She has the unique ability to pick dresses that are just perfect for her.  How many titian-haired goddesses would have the courage to wear crimson?

Taraji Henson:  A lovely confection of cream chiffon with a classical sense (and more than a hint of Michelle Obama’s inaugural gown.)  What made it exceptional was the scarlet clutch as an accent – daring, striking, a woman not afraid to draw all eyes.

Third Place:  

Natalie Portman:  The gown held its color under the lights and that color made her glow.  Add in her lovely features and classic hairstyle and you have a rose in bloom.

Second Place:

Alicia Keys:  Is there anything she can’t do?  When she stepped on stage, 100 lilacs left the business.  And notice, despite the fact that she wore her hair down, it was elegant and refined, not a tousled mess. I think she’s one of the most beautiful women in Americaand tonight everyone saw why.

First Place:  

Penelope Cruz:  A vintage gown of ivory with silvery embroidery.  Diamonds at your throat. A glamorous up-do.  The very definition of classic beauty.

Worst Dressed Men:

Honorable Mentions: 

Jack Black:  I am so over the slacker look.  Trim your hair, groom your beard, and wear a white shirt.  (And while you’re at it, clean your room and eat your broccoli!)

Robert Pattinson:  You’re a lovely young man.  Please buy a tux that fits.  Yours was too tight.

Third Place: 

Danny Boyle:  Button your top button and pull your tie knot tight.  You’re the Oscar frontrunner, not someone selling penny stocks in a boiler room.  You would have ranked higher on this list, but I have a soft spot for Tiggers  (they’re wonderful things, you know!)

Second Place:

Adrian Brody.  What happened to your hair? You looked like you’d been sleeping in the gutter for the last six months.  If you try kissing Halle Berry tonight, she’ll call the cops – and get a tetanus shot.

First Place:

Mickey Rourke  My heart goes out to you that you lost your precious dog (though I am a bit unsettled that you planned to bring the dog to the Oscars wearing a tux.)  Still, it’s a bad sign when your dog was better groomed than you are.  The stringy hair.  The sunglasses indoors. The shiny white suit over tie-less black shirt.  The abundance of silver chains.  Everything about it said ewww.

Hall of Fame:

I have decided to create a hall of fame for worst-dressed men.  Tonight we have our first inductee:  Philip Seymour Hoffman.  Why does basic grooming elude this man?  His hair always seems to be combed with an egg beater and he apparently shaves with a dull teaspoon.  And tonight he caps it with a WOOL HAT??!!!!  I’m in LA.  It isn’t cold.  When the Oscars are held outdoors in Minnetonka, Minnesota in January, you can wear that hat.  Until then, you are just a classless slob trying to convince everyone of your anti-establishment cool.

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mentions:

Queen Latifah:  You know I love you, honey.  I can only assume that the horrendous black ribbon marring your dress was a tribute to those who have died.

Reese Witherspoon:  Hmmm, Kung Fu Panda makeup.  There’s an interesting choice.  That was a lot of eye liner for so little a person.  It probably added 5% to your body weight.  And why was that ugly black scarf hiding your lovely cobalt gown?

Shirley Maclaine:  I expect so little from you and, yet, you fall short.  The satin pantsuit was not flattering.  Grow up.  Wear a gown.

Jessica Biel:  What was that satin growth at your waist?  It looked as if the shoulder of your gown fell off.  Call me, dear.  We’ll go shopping for hairspray.

Third Place:

Miley Cyrus:  Another hair disaster.  She’s still on the red carpet and her hair was falling down.  You make a lot of money.  You can afford bobby pins.  And that dress was way too glittery for a teen with no role in the Oscars.  But it will be lovely if you want to be the Tooth Fairy for Halloween

Second Place:

Meryl Streep:  You did have fabulous hair.  The dress, however, was another story.  You claim that you selected your dress because it fit.  Well, if you mean you could zip it up and walk in it, I guess you’re right.  You may not be 25 and a size 2, but you are a gorgeous, elegant woman.  Why were you wearing a shapeless, gunmetal gray, satin sack?  It added 20 pounds and made you look like a frump.  Maybe you could start shopping with your daughter.  She was lovely.

First Place:

This year we have a group award:  The 5 women who presented the Best Supporting Actress Award.  The thrift store doesn’t have that many bad outfits in a row. 

Eva Marie Saint wasn’t too bad, but the satin pantsuit looked way too informal for Oscar. 

Angelica Huston is a strikingly beautiful woman.  Why was her dress a size too small and decorated like an 8 year old’s birthday cake? 

Goldie Hawn’s eyes looked very surprised!  Goldie Hawn’s boobies did not.

Can anyone explain why Whoopi Goldberg was wearing a poorly draped leopard print bedspread? I can only assume she lost a bet with Elizabeth Hasselback and this was the payoff.

And Tilda Swinton.  I see that a year has taught her exactly nothing about dressing herself.  Apparently, she took a short detour on the way to the Kodak Theater, popped into a fabric store, grabbed two bolts off the rack, wrapped once, tied a knot, and hurried on her way.  What a bland, shapeless lump she seemed.

That’s all for this year!  See you at the movies!