Welcome one and all to the 16^th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup!  For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won.  I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness.  I do not watch any of the fashion shows before writing this recap. I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves.  I do have the assistance of an adult beverage.  This year, I went for a lovely 2008 California merlot.  I have to say it might well have been the evening’s high point. 

Before we begin, some general comments:

I timed the show at 3 hours 15 minutes — yet it seemed so much longer.  Seriously, if it weren’t for Colin Firth and my responsibility to my readers, I’d have gone to bed early.  All of the montages and scripted pieces were just horrible. I can only assume that all of the good writers refused to work in solidarity with the public employees of Wisconsin. The only good line of the night was the Charlie Sheen joke (and I do have to say that James Franco is adorable in drag).

Bob Hope has been dead for nearly a decade and he’s still a better host than James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  James is just horrible.  He should never appear on screen not in character.  It all just felt very high school talent show, hosted by the quarterback and head cheerleader.  The huge ovation for Billy Crystal should have told them something.   I’m surprised they didn’t draft him to finish the show.

The director was as sloppy as James Franco.  How many shots did I see with people or equipment moving in the background.  Seriously people, it’s the Oscars.  You can’t watch the tracking?

I am also somewhat concerned about the tragic lack of lovely necklaces on the women.  So many bare necks haven’t been seen since the days of the French Revolution and Madame la Guillotine.

On the other hand, Amy Adams should have left her necklace at home.  When you are wearing a dress that looks like a starry night, you don’t need an asteroid ruining the view. 

Perhaps she could loan it to Jennifer Lawrence.  You’d think a gorgeous blond in a fire-engine red dress would be exciting, but the flyaway hair and lack of accessories made it all rather blah.

I realize Despicable Me wasn’t nominated, but a minion joke would have been appreciated.  Frankly, they’d have been better hosts.

Why was Maria Menounas wearing chain mail on her hand?  Were there jousts during the commercial breaks?

I was so hoping to hear “Arthur’s Theme” from The Holiday when Eli Wallach came out.  I wonder if he bought his escort a corsage?

I have to say, Helena Bonham Carter wasn’t too bad tonight.  The hair is, as always, a tousled mess, but there was almost an entire dress there- albeit one styled from the wardrobe of a Goth-Victorian dominatrix. Still, for her, a triumph.

I remain utterly befuddled that men who have stylists, assistants, assistants to the assistants, etc. still have not managed to find someone who can go out and buy them razors.  You know, I’m pretty sure you can buy them online and get them delivered right to your house.  A lovely well-trimmed beard is quite attractive (see Jeff Bridges and Rick Baker).  Even a very short-cropped beard a la Justin Timberlake is nice.  They look intentional, as opposed to the straggly stubble sported by Mark Wahlberg, Ben Mankiewicz, Hugh Jackman, and Robert Downey, Jr.  And don’t get me started on Christian Bale’s beard. Either he’s planning to move to the Yukon or he’s compete for a starting position on the Packer’s offensive line.

A special little note for the sound team from Inception:  If that’s the way you dress, you should be heard and not seen.  She wore a black satin sack while one gentleman wore all black and the other compensated with the overly formal white tie.  You were not a dream.  You were a nightmare.

Is it just me or did Josh Brolin used to be cute?  What happened? 

And Matthew McConaughey?  You clearly did not watch Legally Blonde II carefully.  Never visit a new facialist the day before an important event.

Since when did good posture become such an impossible achievement? I haven’t seen this much slouching since high school detention.  It ruins the line of even the best tuxedo and, ladies, if you CAN slouch, your spanx aren’t snug enough.  The worst offenders were Mila Kunis and Jesse Eisenberg.  Mila!  You just played a ballerina.  Did you learn nothing? Or was it that, if you stood up straight, you’d cause a wardrobe malfunction?  If that was the case, splurge on a dress that comes with an actual bodice rather than 2 pocket squares and some sequins. Jesse, you seem like a sweet guy, but lovable schlub will get you typecast.

I was a bit disappointed in the In Memoriam segment.  I realize that she was a great talent and a trailblazer, but letting Lena Horne close the video tribute, get a personal reflection from Halle Berry, and get a video clip just seemed like overkill. And it won’t make us forget the rather obvious lack of color among the nominees.

Because she wore so many dresses, I’ll have to give Anne Hathaway her own little section.  I think she learned one important thing tonight:  wear color!  She wore two red dresses and one sparkling blue dress –clearly the class of the field.  The silver dress with bugle bead fringe was fun, but I will never understand the mock-dirndl bodice on the white number. And, I realize that she’s training to play Catwoman, but why was she wearing the Joker’s lipstick?

No surprise, the best acceptance speeches of the night came from the writers: Aaron Sorkin and David Seidler.  Smart, heartfelt, and classy.  Tom Hooper was a close runner-up.

I’m a bit concerned.  The whole fluffy skirt thing seems to be coming back.  Mila Kunis and Mandy Moore both had way too much ruffle in their skirt.  I realize that it’s the 150^th anniversary of the Civil War, but we don’t need an homage to Scarlet O’Hara’s ball gown.

Now, on to the awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention:  Tom Hanks:  He seems to have lost a good bit of weight and it looks wonderful.  Apart from his propensity to stand like a bantam rooster (leaned back but with chest out), he looked fabulous.

Third Place:  Kevin Spacey:  Gracious and groomed.  A gentleman through and through.

Jeff Bridges: Dude, he shows those kids how to look like a grizzled elder statesman, not a slob.

Second Place: Rick Baker: I usually don’t approve of the all black ensembles, but I must say that it worked for him, accented as it was by his lustrous mane of white hair and meticulously kept beard.  That’s how you look cool and elegant at the same time, boys.

First Place:  A three-way tie between the men of The King’s Speech:  Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, and Tom Hooper.  All were splendidly turned out and gracious to a fault.  Special accolades for Geoffrey Rush’s master class on growing old gracefully.

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Hailee Steinfield: Utterly age appropriate in a blush chiffon dress that harked back to fifties prom queens.  The near-beehive hairstyle was a bit much, but she looked and acted like young lady.  For you, my dear, the best is yet to come.

Reese Witherspoon: She claimed that her dress was a last minute choice.  If so, she should trust her instincts.  Strapless black and white highlighted her flawless silhouette and made a lovely frame her face.

Third Place: Scarlett Johannsen:  Form-fitting claret lace.  Utterly exquisite style.  The hair could be better, but the dress could not!

Helen Mirren: Age-appropriate, flattering, shimmering, touched with brilliants, perfectly coiffed.  More regal than any queen on the planet.

Second Place: Penelope Cruz: I could only see the top of her dress but, as always, she glimmered and glowed in ruby red.

Nicole Kidman: The dress wasn’t made for walking, but when she stood still, the structure was flawless and the satiny white and the silver embroidery made her skin glow. The more I saw it, the more I liked it.  And the cheeky red pumps were the perfect touch.

Jennifer Hudson: Utterly exquisite.  A flame-colored dress for a woman whose star burns bright.

First Place: Natalie Portman:  Who else?  Her amethyst dress was the perfect color and cut.  She was elegant, gracious, and thoroughly lovely.  Brava, mama.

Worst Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: Jude Law: My best guess is that the floppy white bow tie and the floppy bangs were intended to distract from the receding hairline.  Sorry, luv, didn’t work.

Third Place: Christian Bale:  The all-black ensemble and the unkempt beard just didn’t work. Did you keep none of your wardrobe from the Batman movie?  Though I don’t think there’s room in the cowl for that beard.  You’d likely smother.

Second Place: James Franco:  He’s here for one reason and one reason only: a pearl grey shirt with a tux?  Really?  You just looked dingy.

First Place: Russell Brand:  Oh Russell, no matter how cool you think you are, you still need to wash your hair before the Oscars.  What a mess.  And I do think it was intentional. Add an all black tux with pants a size too small.  You say yes; I say no.

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention:

Kathryn Bigelow:  You’re a wonderful director, but that dress had nothing going for it except the color.  The shoulder cutouts were odd and hidden by your lank hair.  You looked frumpy, not triumphant.

Karen Goodman:  I’m sure your film was good, but your dress was bad.  Though I’m sure it will look perfect the next time you go to the Elk Lodge Spring Formal.

Third Place:

Cate Blanchett:  A square collar covered in mosaic – a tribute to the Egyptian revolution or just a bad fashion choice?  Your guess is as good as mine.

Michelle Williams: I’m not loving the platinum hair, especially when matched with a white dress.  Too pale.  Too background.  You’re a leading lady.  Dress like one.

Sandra Bullock: I loved the color and cut of her dress (save for the always horrid butt-bow), but the accessories and grooming did her in.  I’m not sure why she was carrying a clutch a few shades off the color of her gown.  If you can’t match, contrast!  Her hairstyle made her look terribly severe rather than the warm-hearted woman she’s known to be. And why is she still wearing that orange lipstick?  Hey Louis:  I’ll give you a cookie if you use mommy’s lipstick as a crayon until there’s none left!

Second Place: Oprah Winfrey: I understand being indecisive.  It must be even worse when you have the power and money to have anything you want.  How do you choose?  Apparently, Oprah decided on the top from one dress and the skirt from another.  If only they had matched.  Add in some poufy tousled hair and you have one of the worst looks of the night.

First Place: Melissa Leo:  You just reek class, don’t you, dear?  From the self-advertising to dropping the f-bomb, you were an object lesson on gracelessness. And, unfortunately, your dress was made to match.  From the unflattering short sleeves to the scalloped neckline to the mosaic mirrors strewn about, the dress was trying way too hard to make a statement. Maybe it needed the 5 second delay too.

That’s all for this year!  See you at the movies!