Welcome one and all to the 17th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup! (Good heavens! I’ve been doing this for 17 years!?!) For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won, though what upsets in the acting categories! I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness. I do not watch any of the fashion commentaries before writing this recap. I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves. I do have the assistance of an adult beverage. This year, I went for a lovely Spanish Rioja (4 points on Weight Watchers for those counting with me.).

Before we begin, some general comments:

It was so nice having Billy Crystal back. He just knows how to host the Oscars. I missed him. The opening montage was a hoot (and George Clooney is a great sport), but the song – priceless. I give Justin Bieber full credit for being willing to joke about his appeal in the 18-24 demographic. His ad libs were biting and hysterical. A few of the set pieces were time wastes, but it’s the Oscars. I expect a certain amount of that.

But they so should have let the Muppets sing! If you have time for Cirque du Soleil, you have time for a Muppet production number. It’s that simple. I mean, the focus group spoof was funny, but not funnier than the Muppets. And I will publicly admit to a little crush on Jason Segal and Brett McKenzie because of their obvious love for the Muppets and their respect for the genius of Jim Henson.

I have to say that having George Clooney, Colin Firth, and Gary Oldman on the same broadcast is like the middle-aged women’s trifecta. Smart, classy, and handsome. What is NOT to love.

Was it just me or were these people standing up for everything? I counted like 6 standing O’s. My best guess: after a while, the shape wear starts to creep up and bind, so you stand up to do a few quick tugs to restore comfort.

OK. I’m virtually positive Glenn Close has had some work done, but it’s so subtle and amazing! She looks relaxed and happy, not perpetually surprised.

I’m still befuddled by the red carpet interview with Prince Albert. I guess poise in front of a camera is not an inherited trait.

Yay! Uggie got to go on stage!!!!! And he had a bow tie. Everything is better with a puppy! It’s an immutable law of nature. (But they should have let him speak.)

Where has Demian Bechir been all my life?

The musicians in the balcony: why?

As Ryan Gosling would say to Angelina: Hey girl, when you have to try that hard to you’re sexy, you aren’t.

The In Memoriam segment was simple and classy and touching as always. The song was lovely and the black and white photos with a few touches of color were striking.

I was appalled when I realized that Jonah Hill’s mother is my age.

Hmm, apparently when Philip Seymour Hoffman isn’t at the Oscars, he manages to comb his hair. How odd.

As much as I love Oscar, I am angry that they did not give more recognition to the Harry Potter films. They deserved more recognition. And Alan Rickman was totally robbed in the Supporting Actor category. His portrayal of Snape was as good as anything I saw this year and I saw Beginners.

I give bonus points to Maya Rudolph for mentioning the importance of good posture. This year’s ceremony seems to have suffered less from the “teen on the way to detention” slouch.

I have to admit to a certain amazement that some of my other complaints seem to have finally gotten through to those who attend Oscar. No one showed up in jeans. There were no enormous butt bows. The men wore ties and had shaved. And the women were wearing lovely little necklaces. Meryl Streep's boobs weren't hitting her knees. Christian Bale even looked pulled together (for the most part). It was such an improvement over last year that I almost put him on the best-dressed list just to encourage him!

I was a little dismayed by the graying beards on men (Brad and Tom). If a woman showed that much gray, she’d never work. Sigh. I was far less pleased with Bradley Cooper’s mustache. I do so hope it’s for a role that will wrap soon.

There really weren’t any horrific disasters, but there were a few unfortunate trends. Why were so many women wearing blush-colored dresses? It really doesn’t flatter unless your coloring is remarkable striking. And the other popular choice was an orange-y red. Excellent. Let’s create a fashion that 12 people can wear. How terribly, terribly helpful. Oh, and next year ladies, how about some classy updos, possibly with hair ornaments?

And we are seeing an increase in all black ensembles from the men. Really, what’s wrong with your basic black and white?

I timed the show at 3 hours 8 minutes from opening to the start of the credit roll. Thank God the years of 4-hour plus Oscar ceremonies are over. They were getting longer than the presidential campaign.

Now, on to the awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: Chris Rock: He was classy, well-groomed, and terribly amusing. Let’s make him an annual presenter (but never let him host again).

Third Place: Robert Richardson: That silvery mane that nearly matched his tie was strikingly fabulous. That, my friends, is aging like wine (not leftover fish).

Second Place: Jean Dejardin: Sorry guys. It’s a fact of life. Good grooming, speaking French, and kissing hands will turn most women into whimpering puddles of romantic goo. I blame the Disney princesses.

First Place: Christopher Plummer: Seriously, we should all look this good at 82. A perfectly cut velvet tux set him apart and, I do believe that he gave the best Oscar speech I’ve heard in years. Funny, charming, heartfelt. This grand master should teach future generations of actors how to be gracious in victory.

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Octavia Spencer: I’ll be honest. She made the list in part because I have a dress with the same style of skirt! But the combination of a fabulous hairdo, great earrings, and a wonderfully gracious manner makes her honorable every day of the week.

Third Place: Gwyneth Paltrow: The hair was controlled and glamorous. The coat was a lovely touch and made the dress stand out. She would have ranked higher but she’s so thin that she actually looked scrawny.

Natalie Portman: Simple. Elegant. Classic. Somehow, she always manages to get it exactly right.

Second Place: Jessica Chastain: A fabulous updo would have vaulted her into first, but the gold embroidered black number was strikingly different from what everyone else wore. I must reward someone who isn’t afraid to stand out in a good way.

Penelope Cruz: The gown wasn’t the most striking color – a steely gray – but the cut was flawless as were the accessories and the hair. Everything about the ensemble said class and glamour.

First Place: Viola Davis: One of the few women to wear color other than an orange-y red, her strapless green sheath was fierce. This is a woman who isn’t afraid to stand out! Everything about her drew the eye and demanded that you take notice.

Worst Dressed Men: As Brad Pitt said: For guys, it’s easy. Show up in a tux, black and white, and you’ll be fine. Yet some men manage to screw that up!

Honorable Mention: Brian Grazer: Dude, the hairstyle was cool in the 1980s. It might be an idea to update your calendar — and your hairstyle.

Third Place: Jonah Hill: Was his shirt eggplant? Really, dude, you don’t have the longevity in the business or the general aura of cool to pull off an eggplant shirt with a tux. Stick to the basics. You need to walk before you can run.

Second Place: Robert Downey, Jr.: The Tebow move. The sparkly tie. The annoying banter. You know, I’m over you. Grow up. The “rebel with a heart of gold” shtick has run its course.

First Place: Nick Nolte: I’m not sure if he was drunk, high, or some combination of the two but I’m utterly stunned he remained upright through the ceremony. I don’t care how you dress when you show such utter disregard for the event as to show up under the influence. Hopefully, someone at the Governor’s Ball will stage an intervention.

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Meryl Streep: I love Meryl. Really, I do. She’s utterly lovely. So why does she choose the most unflattering dresses. I know she trusts her hair and makeup guy, but her stylist really needs to go. The color of the dress was amazing, but the surplice bodice attached with a knot at the widest part of her hip! What was she thinking to approve that!

Sandra Bullock: While her German is lovely and she stopped wearing that horrid orange lipstick. (I think I owe her son a cookie.) But I found the dress and ponytail rather informal and the sequins on the shoulder kept making me think her barrette fell out.

Melissa Leo: Something about this woman always looks sloppy and boring. I don’t know why. At least she didn’t swear this year!

Third Place: Rooney Mara: I wanted to love her since she’s related to the families that own the Giants and Steelers, but I just can’t. I love the severely cut hair and the bright red lips in a pale face. But the bodice of that gown didn’t fit. If she actually had breasts, they’d have been threatening to make an appearance all night.

Cameron Diaz: Actually, the dress was quite lovely. It was the hair. No hairspray and roots showing. Do you not know a hairstylist? Gwyneth said you got ready together. If she hogged all the hair product, you need to get your own suite next year.

Second Place: Emma Stone: Why do redheads wear crimson? And “there was a bow at her neck.” Yet even with the bow it was oddly shapeless and unappealing. And you actually made me feel sorry for Ben Stiller, something I thought to be impossible. (OK, and I’m still jealous that you got to touch Ryan Gosling’s chest.)

Jennifer Lopez: Jennifer, honey, I know you’re single again. But that’s no reason to put the girls in the windows and cut out random parts of your dress. I know it’s hard to believe, but the world is not waiting to see your nipples.

First Place: Melissa McCarthy: Yes, I know you are a large woman. But you’re also gorgeous. What in the world ever possessed you to wear a mauve chiffon sack trimmed with rhinestones to the Oscars? (But given that I think your mother was wearing pants *cue sounds of horror and disgust* perhaps it’s a hereditary ailment.) She looked like a frump when there’s absolutely no reason she should have. The color, cut, and material choice were all wrong, downplaying her assets. It is completely possible for a large woman to be glamorous, classic, and eyecatching. Well, I did have to catch my eyes as they tried to run away.

That’s all for this year! See you at the movies!