Welcome one and all to the 22nd Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup!

For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won. I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness. I do not watch any of the fashion commentaries or check social media before writing this roundup. I do have the assistance of an adult beverage, this year, a craft beer from Green Flash Brewery – Passion Fruit Kicker.

You are welcome to share this roundup, preferably with a link to this post.

Before we begin, some general comments:

I timed the show at 3 hours, 49 minutes, 12 minutes longer than last year.

I give the La La Land folks all the credit in the world for the sheer class in the way they handled an untenable situation. Whoever handed Faye and Warren the wrong envelope needs to be fired. It ended the show on a bad note and robbed the Moonlight crew of an amazing moment.

I couldn’t help but feel that tonight’s show was a pronounced middle finger to the political establishment, but I worry that it may be counterproductive.

Until the crazy mistaken ending, I found the show a bit tedious. It hit its high point with Justin Timberlake’s performance opening the show and it went downhill from there. The set pieces like the falling candy and the tourists visiting added nothing to the show and went on way too long. Jimmy Kimmel is not well suited to the Oscars. The Oscars are an international event, not an opportunity to make in jokes understood only by the people who watch your late night show. I do think that the acting montages were well done, though.

The In Memoriam segment was a bit odd. Jennifer Aniston knew that she was introducing it, so, of course, she wore a dress with a slit high enough to require a Brazilian wax. And she delivered the intro poorly. Not getting “Both Sides Now” as the song choice. I’d rather see more excerpts from the works of the people remembered. There should have been no words after “May the Force be with you.”

Catherine Johnson IS a superhero!

I could have done without the waves in the Moana number. They were so distracting that they made drought look good.

Joanna Natasegura, you know that you can leave your purse at your seat, right? You don’t need to carry it on stage. You should use two hands to hold Oscar.

Is it just me or is Andrew Garfield just ridiculously excited about life?

Did someone announce a boycott on brightly-colored gowns while I wasn’t paying attention? Basically, there was black, white, and metallic. I assume that the silver and gold were intended to remind us of all the billionaires in the Trump Cabinet.

How nice for Mel Gibson to attend with his daughter. And she can totally wear that dress again for prom.

How many members of the Oceans’ Eleven cast have won Oscars? I count at least 5.

Guys, watch with the white tuxes. It’s easy to have too much of a good thing.

Charlize Theron. Fabulous dress. Milion dollar earring. $1.50 hairstyle. Not getting it. Taraji P. Henson was on the bad hair team as well.

Why were so many women missing the bodices of their dresses? Poor Michelle Williams had to go to the Oscars with two ribbons wrapped around her upper body. Olivia Vikander and Amy Adams suffered from similar problems. This isn’t the Grammies, ladies. No one wants to run the odds of a wardrobe malfunction.

Viola, I’m very glad that you won, but the dress was too orange (even oranger than the president!) And no, actors aren’t the only people who celebrate a life lived. Think about the teachers and ministers you have known.

Scarlett, I think you forgot your slip. I can see right through your skirt.

Kudos to Jason Bateman for assisting Colleen Atwood to the stage.

Octavia, don’t look now, but I think a family of geese are hiding in your skirt. But if you leave them there for a while, you can make your own down comforter!

Now, on to the awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: David Oyewelo: The white tux and black tie was striking on its own, but the textured material of the coat raised it that step above.

Third Place: Andrew Garfield and Viggo Mortenson: Simple, classic, gorgeous.

Second Place: Chris Evans and Jeff Bridges: They definitively demonstrate that it is possible to be bearded, well-groomed, and elegant simultaneously.

First Place: Samuel L. Jackson: On him, the royal and black color combination worked. On a lesser man (cough, Michael Strahan, cough), it just looks sad.

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Aul’i Cravalho: I love a woman willing to stand out in the crowd by wearing show-stopping red. Her long hair was perfect until they decided to send in the wind machines.

Third Place: Nicole Kidman: The gold on gold embroidery was stunning. She looked like Oscar’s classier sister. And she always has the best arm candy.

Second Place: Emma Stone: A Golden-era Glamour Girl with a dash of flapper. Her hair was rich, lustrous, and perfect. Hollywood has a new contender to the throne.

First Place: Janelle Monae: That dress was overdone in the best possible way. From the moment she stepped on the stage, I could not take my eyes off of her. It was too much, but her star presence made it just enough.

Worst Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: Ryan Gosling: It pains me, love, but the frilled shirt is a no – unless you are going to a suburban prom in 1974.

Third Place: Dwayne Johnson: Was it just my tv or was the color off on his tux pants? It looked almost brown. No. Just no.

Second Place: Mark Ryland: A hat? Indoors? On stage? With a tux? Seriously?

First Place: Casey Affleck: Yes, I understand that the longer hair and the beard are for a role. But beards can be well-kept and hair can be controlled – all with products that wash out easily. I get committing for your craft, but you’re just sloppy.

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Hailee Steinfeld: Why were you wearing crepe paper flowers on your dress? Inquiring minds want to know!

Ginner Godwin: Why were you dressed like a skinny strawberry? Ditto with the enquiring minds.

Felicity Jones: The blush color was too pale and the tea length skirt is not sufficiently formal. Why not save that dress for dancing quadrilles at the Brighton Pavilion?

Third Place: Dakota Johnson: Dressing like a gilded nun won’t make us forget that you were in a movie that exploits women. This shiny object can’t distract us.

Second Place: Meryl Streep: You’re brilliant, dear. And you know that. But even brilliant actresses must make choices. Either a skirt or pants, not their misbegotten offspring. The only thing that kept you out of first was the lovely color.

Leslie Mann: Messy hair, a mustard dress, and about three times the skirt you needed. And it’s not entertaining to listen to you making scientists the butt of your jokes. They are the reason you can do what you do.

Naomie Harris: Short skirt in front and apparently, just a bra on top. You’re Oscar-nominated. You can spring for a whole dress.

First Place: Jessica Biel: I’m confused. You were dressed like a 50’s hood ornament because…..?

That’s all for this year! See you at the movies!