Welcome one and all to the 21st Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup! (Wow, this roundup is old enough to drink! So why I am I writing it sober?)

For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won. (But Yay! for Inside Out, my favorite movie of the year – yes, I liked it even more than the Minion Movie.) I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness. I do not watch any of the fashion commentaries or check social media before writing this roundup. This year, I didn’t even get to watch the red carpet show (except for the very end) because I had to work.

You are welcome to share this roundup, preferably with a link to this post.

Before we begin, some general comments:

I timed the show at 3 hours, 37 minutes, so they shaved 4 minutes off last year’s time. If this keep’s up, in a decade, the length will be tolerable.

With the exception of a few moments, I found the whole show a bit charmless and forced – like it was trying too hard. Even the Minions were less amusing than usual. Most of the best moments were late in the show when less intrepid viewers would have given up.

Chris Rock did a reasonably good job handling the hosting in a difficult situation. The opening monologue was hard-hitting and he had some very good moments throughout the night (like selling Girl Scout cookies and the Brad-Angelina joke he snuck in), but he does have a tendency to beat a dead horse (shades of The Revenant). On the other hand, Cheryl Boone Isaacs sounded like she was reading her assignment from Crisis Communications 101 – and she’s a C+ student.

And the forced diversity of presenters gave off a faint whiff of over-compensation.

Did you see the food in the green room? My heavens, all that deliciousness for people who probably don’t even eat.

The set was gorgeous as always. The Oscar set decorators really should get more praise. On the other hand, the camera people and line producers should make sure the viewers at home don’t get literal views of the red carpet.

I was surprised that Andy Serkiss made the only mention of Trump. Maybe they were afraid that if they said his name three times, he’d appear.

It was nice to see Joe and Jill Biden looking well. And kudos to Louis Gossett, Jr., for leading the standing ovation. But Joe is not at his best reading off a teleprompter.

Really, that performance of “Earned It”? Cheesy and exploitative. But consider the source.

I don’t get the popularity of Sam Smith. I find his voice too high and a bit whiny. And his win for Best Song was rather a buzz kill after Lady Gaga’s performance – easily the emotional high point of the night.

The In Memoriam segment was a bit odd. David Grohl was wonderful, but the song choice was not good and the whole segment felt uneven. I was disappointed that there was no Abe Vigoda (I was looking forward to “It’s only business.”). It killed me to see Alan Rickman. But it was nice for Leonard Nimoy to be last.

I almost want to see Room now because the stars are so adorable. The way Jacob Tremblay reacted when the Star Wars robots came out was so honest. And the way Brie Larson responded to him touched my heart.

Another touching moment was when the makers of the Bear Story (the animated short, not The Revenant) accepted the award on behalf of Chile. Joy is contagious.

Speaking of Joy, JLaw is looking mighty blonde. I actually prefer her as a brunette.

I love Ryan Gosling, but heavens, he has skinny little stick legs.

Odd to see both Robin Roberts and Margot Robbie dressed like Oscar.

Dev Patel, your comb called. It misses you.

I’m usually a stickler for a floor length dress, but Daisy Ridley’s tea length silver shadow harked back to the best of the Jazz Age.

I’m concerned about the deep plunging necklines (Charlize) on display tonight. Did Hollywood have a stock-up sale on body glue and spray tan?

And what was it with things stuck on dresses? I swear Jennifer Jason-Leigh was wearing a tissue carnation from my high school homecoming float. And Cate Blanchett’s dress looked like she had been attacked by migrating butterflies.

On the plus side, I loved all the crystal embellishment. But I do fear it will lead to a Bedazzling epidemic – and no good can come from that.

I’m not a fan of a black shirt with a tux, but Christian Bale can take me to dinner to make his case in favor.

The obvious fondness and respect showed for Leonardo DiCaprio was quite touching. And his speech was brilliantly rehearsed and delivered.

Now, on to the awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: Henry Cavill: You looked super, man.

Third Place:  Byung-hun Lee: Oh my. Now that is a gracious and elegant man.

Second Place: Michael B. Joyce: Simply perfect. The epitome of class.

 Eddie Redmayne: So very elegant. See guys, it’s really quite simple.

First Place: Common: White tux and black tie. A throwback combination that looked modern, yet somehow timeless.

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Sarah Silverman: Surprisingly classy in basic black.

Jennifer Garner: Black sequins and satin topped with a classic chignon. Simple and elegant.

 Rachel McAdam: Teal satin is an interesting choice. The dramatic slit and lack of a back were sexy without being vulgar.

Third Place: Alicia Vikander: She was a dew-kissed spring morning in sunny yellow with crystals. The uneven hem of the skirt made the whole ensemble seem somewhat whimsical.

Tina Fey: Loved, loved, loved the gossamer violet and the jeweled choker. Did not love the fact that your hair was wound so tight that it made your hair stick out.

Second Place:  Sarah Bennett: Royal blue and diamonds. Classic glamour at its best.

Sofia Vergara: Sexy but not trashy. Elegant and sparkling. May you get a movie role worthy of your class.

Reese Witherspoon: She does it again. Deepest violet accented with diamonds. A dress that flows like the starry night sky. The very definition of glamour.

First Place:  Brie Larson: Fresh and stunning with just the right amount of glamour and elegance. How many batters hit a grand slam in their first at-bat?

Worst Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: Mark Ruffalo and Mark Rylance: Great supporting actors, bad tuxedo choosers. When people say that the Oscars need more representation of color, ugly tuxes is not what they mean.

Adam McKay: Did the rental place give you the wrong tux? The one you were wearing seems to have been two sizes too small. I don’t care what size you are; your clothes just need to fit.

Third Place: Louis Gossett, Jr.: I love you and you’re classy, but you need a tie, not a medallion.

Kevin Hart: Tuxedos are no place for sequins unless you are a wedding singer on Long Island in 1978.

Jared Leto: Just no, dear. The slicked back hair was an improvement (though I love sleek long hair on a man. Have you met my gorgeous boyfriend?). But the red piping and the fabric rose in place of a tie were just assaults to my eyes. If you were to go for straight out classy, you’d probably stop hearts.

Second Place:  David White and Mark Mangini: Rust satin shirt and sparkly shoes. No ties, General unkemptness. Now I know why the Max was so mad.

 First Place: Sacha Baron Cohen: You look like a slob and you aren’t funny. You may think you are expressing trenchant social commentary, but you’re just being a self-indulgent twit.(Yes, I checked the spelling 3 times.) Are you ever more than a caricature?

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention: Serena Armitage: Please return your dress to the 1958 sorority girl you stole it from. She needs it for the spring formal. Thanks in advance.

Third Place: Olivia Wilde: Dear, why did you wear a white satin pinafore to the Oscars? And why did you forget to wear the blouse that goes under it? So sad to be caught on the wrong side of the sexy/trashy line. Maybe Sofia or Rachel could take you shopping.

Second Place: Lady Gaga: Well, it was better than last year. Though that’s damning with faint praise. You are a brave and talented woman. You can make a choice. Dress or pants, not a mutant hybrid. And the bodice was too tight – not sexy tight, but it shrank in the wash tight.

First Place: Since they are from the same movie (Mad Max: Fury Road), we will have co-winners this year! Linda Thompson, I have that same outfit. I call it jammies and I wear it to lounge around the house, not on tv in front of almost a billion people. But even wearing your jammies out pales beside Jenny Beavan’s Hogwarts motorcycle gang ensemble. Pants, leather jacket, blowsy hair, and a Gryffindor scarf. To the Oscars. No magic spell can save you from a lack of taste.

That’s all for this year! See you at the movies!