Pantrying
February 20, 2015The Reasons for Fasting
February 25, 2015Welcome one and all to the 20th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup! (Twenty years is a very, very long time. Why do I still do this?)
For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won. I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness. I do not watch any of the fashion commentaries or check social media before writing this roundup. I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves. You are welcome to share this roundup, preferably with a link to this post.
Before we begin, some general comments:
I timed the show at 3 hours, 41 minutes. The time is creeping up again!
I have to say that I enjoyed Neil Patrick Harris as the host. He was generally charming and his annoying shticks (the case with his predictions and throwing extra lines into lists) weren’t too frequent. And the producers trusted him enough to let him tweak the Academy: “We’re here to honor the best and whitest”?
The opening segment was as good as any has been in years. The singing was solid and the dancing and shadowbox were stunning. Though every time I see Anna Kendrick in something like this, I keep thinking, “hmmmm, this season’s Anne Hathaway?”
I saw some very unfortunate fashion trends this evening. First, what is with the squared off bodices with thin straps? It was an exceedingly unflattering look on everyone who wore it. Second, the dresses that consisted of a loose front with a choli top underneath (Naomi Watts and Lupita Nyongo). It’s a big event. Maybe you could buy a dress with a front AND a back. And there were way to many deeply plunging necklines. It was raining. You’ll catch cold.
OK, I was skeptical about Lady Gaga doing “The Sound of Music,” but she has an amazing voice, more than up to the music. And the appearance by Julie Andrews was a wonderful touch.
Bringing Idina Menzel and John Travolta out to present Best Original Song was nice and proved once again that Idina is a tremendously good sport.
I realize that the rain was likely the cause of the excessive quantity of flyaway hair, but seriously, check the weather before you do your hair.
Anna Kendrick and Dakota Johnson: Are they, in fact, the same person? Or did they just decide to dress as duplicates?
Speaking of Dakota Johnson, her red carpet sniping at her mother was one of the most unprofessional things I’ve ever seen at the Oscars. And she doesn’t know when her next movie is coming out? Grow up.
The speeches of the night belonged to J.K. Simmons, Common and John Legend, and Graham Moore. Each one touched my heart.
I wasn’t aware that designing Oscar dresses from unconventional materials was a Project Runway task. How else to explain why the bodice of Felicity Jones’ dress was made of spray-painted office supplies and Marion Cotilliard’s dress was made from white hurricane fencing? (I mean, I know it was raining, but it wasn’t a hurricane.)
Wow, that anti-PETA add was a buzzkill. Guess someone watched Nationwide’s Super Bowl commercial.
Gywneth, I think that huge flower on your left shoulder ate your right sleeve!
Lupita Nyongo: 6,000 pearls in one dress? Really? How did you sit? And, for all the world, the top looked like you were wearing several necklaces over a bra.
Mark Ruffalo, shave – or you’ll make me mad – and even the Hulk doesn’t want to see that. Perhaps you can ask Captain America (Chris Evans) to show you how to keep a lovely beard. But Chris, could you please explain to your lady friend that the Oscars is not the time to show the tummy.
Dawn Perry, how many Tribbles died to make your stole? Murderer!!!!
Scarlet Johannson, you might want to see a doctor about that huge green thing growing on your throat. It took away from what would have been quite a lovely gown.
I’m glad that Taya Kyle was able to attend, but why did they dress her in a shapeless green sack?
Keira, Keira, you are lovely, but save the nature prints on tan for the nursery wallpaper, ‘kay? But with a better dress, that sparkly headband would have been gorgeous.
I didn’t love the drawings with the In Memoriam segment. I prefer photos or video. But dear heavens, we lost some giants last year.
I don’t know who the young woman was who accompanied the feature documentary winners, but the 1992 prom called and wants its (cocktail-length) dress back.
How many times did Terence Howard hit the mike? Shouldn’t he be better at that by now?
Cheryl Boone Isaacs looked like a giant blueberry. Is she Violet Beauregard’s little sister?
Was it my imagination or did the woman who played the little girl on Archie Bunker’s Place get nominated for Best Original Song?
Now, on to the awards:
Best Dressed Men:
Honorable Mention: Eddie Redmayne: I loved the navy tux. You looked dashing and charming. You would have been higher on this list if you’d combed your hair.
Third Place:
Benedict Cumberbatch: This is a man made to wear a white dinner jacket. And his graciousness in the interviews was even more classic.
Dwayne Johnson: Now that’s how you wear a tux.
Second Place:
Tim McGraw: He looked and sounded gracious.
JK Simmons: Loved the hat!
First Place: Michael Keaton: He looked wondrous and mature. I guess he learned something from Bruce Wayne.
Best Dressed Women:
Honorable Mention: Meryl Streep: It was a little businesslike, even schoolmarm-ish, but it fit and was elegant. It was so much better than usual that I’m putting her on the list to encourage her.
Third Place: Zoe Saldana: I’d have loved a richer color, but the draping of that dress was magnificent, utterly magnificent.
Second Place: Martha Ruiz: A dress of midnight blue accented with diamonds. Who expects the accountant to be one of the best-dressed woman of the night?
First Place: Rosamund Pike: A fabulous red dress with a perfect slit and a gorgeous sleek updo. Simple, classic, lovely.
Worst Dressed Men:
Honorable Mention:
Matthew McConaghey: Sweetie, why was your tuxedo jacket made from upholstery fabric? And so shiny! You could bike at night in that!
John Travolta: I expect so little and yet you still fail. Not a fan of the all-black ensemble. And really, black satin and a diamond collar? Have we been shopping with Bruce Jenner at the 50 Shades collection?
Third Place: David Oyeluwo: Yes, you were robbed of your nomination, but that’s no reason to wear a rust colored tux. Black, white, navy. These are your choices. Accept and embrace.
Second Place: Jared Leto: Well, I see we still haven’t found the conditioner. You know, if you text me your address, I’ll send you a case. I’m shopping this week and I have a Costco membership. But the pale blue tux with the white tie and pink flower? Just all kinds of wrong. I know you’re quirky, but there’s quirky and there’s wrong. Guess which side you’re on?
First Place: Kevin Hart: Honey, if it were up to me, your first Oscars would be your last. White jacket, black shirt, and no tie? Go home and stay there until you learn how to dress.
Worst Dressed Women:
Honorable Mention:
Our first ever mother/daughter awardees, Emma Stone and Mom: Emma’s hair was messy and the dress was bile green and a uniquely unflattering shape. She’s gorgeous. Why did she work so hard to look bad? But I guess she didn’t have a good example. Her Mom showed up in a knee length dress that I can only assume she wears to church. It’s lovely, but this is a formal event and your hem needs to hit the floor. Go shopping. Seriously, your daughter is a star. A designer will lend you something. And it will help them realize that not all women are 24 and a size zero. So you’ll be doing a public service too. Win, win.
The pants ladies: Melina Cananero and Shirley Maclaine. There’s no excuse for pants at the Oscar, even if they are part of a sequined pant suit or when accompanied by a frock coat. Skirts, ladies. Please.
Third Place: Jennifer Lopez: What was with the hot pink lipstick and eye shadow? I guess it did help to distract me from the dress. The color of the dress was too close to her skin tone, so it kind of turned her into a blob. We didn’t need the extra low neckline either. That’s more suited to the Grammys. Of course, the skirt of this dress had more material than 4 of your usual Grammy dresses.
Second Place: Christy Teigan: A neckline low enough to nearly show navel lint and a slit high enough to require a bikini wax. Wow. You are married to one of the most gorgeous men in music. You’ve caught him. You don’t need to advertise that much. Sometimes, subtlety is a good thing.
First Place: Lady Gaga: A sequined monstrosity. Red rubber gloves. And apparently a red drone landed in your hair. And still, the sum was worse than its parts. You are amazingly talented. I’ll never understand why you let your outrageous fashion overshadow your skill.
That’s all for this year! See you at the movies!