Welcome one and all to the 15^th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup!  (Fifteen years I’ve been doing this?  Wow, when I started, Steve Martin was still funny.) For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules.  I don’t comment on who should or should not have won.  I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness.  I do not watch any of the fashion shows before writing this recap.  I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves.  I do have the assistance of an adult beverage.  This year, I selected an excellent Austrian red – since most of the awards were free of surprises, I thought I’d add a little excitement.  A decent little wine, strong clove overtones.

 

Before we begin, some general comments:

 

May I begin by saying how happy I was to see the crystal curtain back this year.  I do love me some sparkle.

 

I do not love me some Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin as hosts.  What a terrible waste of time they were.  Oddly enough, trying to be funny never is.

 

Speaking of wastes of time, Neil Patrick Harris in a sequined tuxedo?  Singing a slightly off color song?  With showgirls?  Seriously?  Did I take a wrong turn and hit the first show at the Sands?  I hope I didn’t skip out on the two drink minimum.

 

The tribute to horror films scared my dog.  That is inexcusable.

 

I was disappointed in the dance montage for the original scores and no performance of the nominated songs.  I always enjoy the song performances (sometimes for the curious fashion choices).  They often introduce me to lovely songs I wouldn’t have heard otherwise. (“Falling Slowly” being Exhibit A.)  In light of the Saints’ Super Bowl victory and The Princess and the Frog, I expected a fabulous New Orleans number.  I feel cheated.

 

Adam Shankman should stick to So You Think You Can Dance.  The flow of this show was very off. Three hours and thirty-two minutes (plus 5 full minutes of credits) and Tom Hanks didn’t have time to read all the nominees for Best Picture. 

 

You can take Harold Wheeler with you and drop him off at Dancing with the Stars.  When you notice the background music, the musical director and the conductor have failed.  And I Am Woman as Kathryn Bigelow was leaving the stage?  Someone went to Obvious School.

 

As always, the In Memoriam segment reminds me of the great talent no longer in our midst.

 

For many years, I railed against droopy booby syndrome.  Now, it seems as though the problem has migrated north.  What is with all the young actresses slouching?  I can’t remember when I last saw so many rounded shoulders.  These are beautiful graceful women.  Why are they slouching like orangutans instead of gliding like swans?  In many cases (Miley, Rachel, Kristin), the slouch ruined the line of an otherwise lovely gown.

 

I know the economy is still bad.  Is that why so many gowns were tragically incomplete?  Or was Naomi Watts executive stylist? Carey Mulligan, Zoe Saldana, and Demi Moore were missing the fronts of their skirts.  Three-quarter sleeves I get.  Three-quarters of a skirt, not so much.  And I don’t want to think about the view when you sit.

 

Well, at least now I know why so many women had flat and/or flyaway hair: there was no hair product left in California after Zac Efron finished getting ready.  I wanted someone to tap his head with an Oscar just to see which would break: the hair or the Oscar.

 

Is it just me or does Woody Harrelson never age?  I saw a Cheers rerun last week and I swear he looks the same today.

 

Stanley Tucci, I love you dearly, but please lose the beard.

 

A special tribute to women who wear more than size 4 and yet dressed with style: Queen Latifah, Mindy Hall, Gabourey Sidibe, Oprah Winfrey, Kathy Bates.

 

I do love Jeff Bridges and he gave such a wonderful heartfelt speech.  But I would love to see him clean shaven again.  He has such a lovely jawline.  Why hide a national treasure?

 

Yay for the Milton Hershey School commercial!

 

It was great to see a woman finally recognized as best director – after only 81 years!  Kathryn Bigelow was gracious and classy and delightfully flummoxed.

 

Less delightfully flummoxed was Sean Penn.  Was it just me or did he seem perhaps chemically altered?

 

I must say that James Cameron was very classy during the ceremony.  (He can always go home and roll around naked in his money.)  Of course, the sheer joy of the Hurt Locker crew was hard to resist.  Is there anything as exhilarating to watch?

 

For next year’s Oscars, I volunteer to stand at the door and de-hat anyone who tries to wear a beret into the theatre – Samuel L. Jackson, Sandy Powell, and makeup guy.

 

I am increasingly concerned about the jewelry disparity that afflicts Oscar.  Rachel MacAdam was wearing earrings big enough to disrupt cell signals and Carey Mulligan’s earrings were taller than Ryan Seacrest.  Yet Cameron Diaz had no necklace to complete her golden ensemble and Mo’Nique had to put a flower in her updo for lack of a glittery comb. 

 

And now, on to this year’s awards:

 

Best Dressed Men:

 

Honorable Mention:

A group award to all of the young actors who are starting their careers off right by learning how to dress with simplicity and elegance, particularly Taylor Lautner, Chris Pine, and Ryan Reynolds.

 

T. Bone Burnett:  The long coat was the perfect touch!

 

Third Place:

George Clooney: He would have ranked higher but he seemed cranky most of the night. Also, I’m not yet sold on the longer hair.

 

Keanu Reeves: Who would’ve thought that Ted would grow up into such a stylish man.  Be excellent to each other.

 

Second Place:

Forest Whitaker: Few men on the planet can wear a tux as well as he does.  And he does it with such comfort and grace.  The epitome of elegance and class.

 

Christopher Plummer:  My, he’s aged well.  Somewhere in his youth or childhood, he must have done something good.

 

First Place:

Colin Firth:  He gets bonus points for not applauding his own nomination.  A man at home in a horrid reindeer jumper, a caped greatcoat, or a classic tux.  Living proof that clothes don’t make the man.  When the man is gracious and elegant, the clothes cannot but help to follow.

 

Best Dressed Women:

 

Honorable Mention:

Helen Mirren:  Somehow she always manages age appropriate elegance in a color utterly suited to her.  For next year, she needs to mug Zac Efron for his spare hairspray (you KNOW he carries it) so that her updo stays up all night.

 

Third Place:

Meryl Streep: Draped in elegant white with a crown of golden hair.  Angelic and gracious.  Brava, prima donna del cinema.

 

Julianne Moore:  On a woman so fair, white is usually a bad choice, but it made you seem to glow from within – a rose alabaster goddess come to life.

 

Second Place:

Kate Winslett:  Perfect hair.  Gorgeous jewels.  Glowing skin.  And a gown of silvery shimmer.  Truly, a star has fallen from the sky and dances on earth.

 

Jennifer Lopez:  Wrapped in a glittery cloud.  An ethereal vision of elegance.

 

First Place:  

Penelope Cruz: Year after year she highlights her astonishing beauty with perfect hair, jewelry, and clothes.  She keeps getting nominated because she shows the same care in choosing her roles.  Strapless wine-colored silk.  A vintage meant to be savored.

 

Worst Dressed Men:

 

Honorable Mention:

Robin Williams and John Travolta:  The all-black ensembles don’t hide the fact that you are both well past your sell-by date.

 

Third Place:

Robert Downey, Jr.: The tux itself was fine, but the tie matches the glasses?  Really? Or was that just a bizarre tribute to Avatar?

 

Second Place:

Ben Stiller: Yes, I know it was a set piece, but still. Did you draw the short straw at rehearsal?  After his masquerade as Joaquin Phoenix at last year’s show, I’m getting the idea that Ben’s the guy they go to when they want someone willing to make a fool of himself.  He has so much talent, I hate to see him sell himself so cheaply. 

 

First Place:

Quentin Tarantino:  I have no idea how this man can put on a couture tux and still look like he’s on his way to high school detention.  I know he’s going for the too cool to care vibe, but dude, you’ve been a judge on American Idol (twice!).  Cool has left the building.

 

Worst Dressed Women:

 

Honorable Mention:

Miley Cyrus:  Though I still don’t understand why she was there, I thought it was sweet that she stopped by on her way to prom.  But why didn’t her prom date get her a corsage?  (You know he spent the flower money on a post-prom hotel room and her daddy – and Disney – won’t like that!)

 

Sandra Bullock: I loved the warmth of that color and the lace was a crowning touch, but the shape was very unfortunate. Why do you want to make an hourglass out of your bottom half?

 

Molly Ringwald:  She seemed very uncomfortable onstage.  Perhaps because her dress had no shape and her bracelet matched her belt!

 

Third Place:

Charlize Theron:  Loved the hair.  Loved the dress color.  Did not love the fabric roses twined about your breasts.  Trust me, Charlize, there isn’t a man in America who can’t find them without assistance.  (And if they have trouble, in this one case, they’ll ask directions.)

 

Anna Kendrick:  The cut of the dress wasn’t bad, but the color made you disappear in the lights.  And the dowdy hair made me want you to disappear.

 

Second Place:

Sarah Jessica Parker: Would someone please feed this woman?  I have seen valet stands with more curves.  She looked like she was wearing upholstery fabric, but someone forgot the padding.  Of course, all the padding must have gone into the hairdo, sort of Princess Leia on steroids.

 

First Place:

Barbra Streisand:  Oh, the way you were dressed.  Shapeless and dreary with enough frothy lace to trim a comforter.  Whatever made you decide to shop for your Oscar dress at Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s garage sale?

 

That’s all for this year!  See you at the movies!