Welcome one and all to the 18^th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup! (I think since this roundup is 18, it should get an Oscar vote. Or at least veto power over Meryl Streep’s Oscar dress.)

For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won (though, Yay! Daniel Day-Lewis! I’ve loved him for a quarter of a century.) I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness. I do not watch any of the fashion commentaries or check social media before writing this recap. I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves. Being less than 50 miles from the Oscar red carpet, I had to restrain myself from heading to Hollywood with a brush and some hairspray. Yes, the hair was THAT bad. Up-dos, ladies, Up-dos.

Before we begin, some general comments:

I timed the show at 3 hours, 35 minutes, but I have to say that it didn’t feel that long. Only the opening sequence and the stupid song at the end felt overly long. Words cannot describe my hatred of that closing number. I found it tasteless and tacky. (Plus it showed how few surprises there were in this year’s awards. They probably wrote the song weeks ago.)

I rather liked Seth Macfarlane as host. For the most part, he made me laugh.And he was far more life-like than James Franco last year. (Okay, bad standard.My pen is more lifelike than James Franco last year.) But I realized that I was right not to see Ted. Even the few minutes onstage made me want to rip his stuffing out.

Kristen Chenoweth needs to lay off the tanning. She’s beginning to look leathery with hints of plastic.

Chris Evans, you were charming and very gracious to your mom. Captain America would be pleased.

Isn’t Daniel Radcliffe the most charming 12 year-old you’ve ever seen?

Wow, Kristen Stewart? Petulant much? Though I guess it is uncomfortable sitting in the presence of all those people who can actually, you know, act.

Amy Adams, if you keep picking at that dress, it will never heal.(Seriously, every time the camera was on her, she was fussing with the skirt.) Oh why did my spritely wood nymph look like she had Dutch elm disease?

I think Jennifer Garner may be spending too much time with her kids. I mean a purple dress with a ruffle down the back? Can you say Barney?

Why was everything covered in sequins? The world will have a black and silver sequin shortage for years. Too many dresses looked the same. Have we no imagination? No originality?

Rebecca Miller Day-Lewis: SO much better than last time. You looked lovely and you have the most beautiful eyes. I’m still jealous, though (see above reference to 25 year crush).

Jennifer Lawrence, I love you and the hair and accessories were flawless. But the poufy underskirt was a step too far – and clearly a tripping risk.

Ben Affleck seemed peeved all night, right up until he won Best Picture. Strangely classless from someone who always seems so sweet.

And speaking of sweet, George Clooney ceded his speaking time to his fellow producers. If only he weren’t constitutionally incapable of commitment. (*sigh*)

Did I miss it or did Anne Hathaway forget to thank Tom Hooper?

John Travolta’s hair plugs have come in nicely, don’t you think?

Mark Andrews, I’d have given you points for wearing a kilt, but it wasn’t a formal kilt. I’m sorry, but standards are standards. Cute knees though.

It’s too bad Liam Neesom couldn’t make the Oscars and Disney had to send the Animatronic robot instead.

Jennifer Hudson was a fatal attraction in glittery gunmetal gray. Not too bad for a woman who came in behind John Stevens on American Idol.

I thought it was lovely having the college students serve as Oscar carriers. And they were all so well-dressed. Always nice to see people forming good habits early.

The sound mix on Adele’s song seemed very off. How do backup singers and an orchestra overwhelm a voice that powerful?

I though Chris Terrio gave the speech of the night. Simple. Eloquent. Heartfelt. It’s no wonder that a man so good with words won the Oscar for his screenplay.

What a joy to watch Barbra Streisand sing The Way We Were in memory of Marvin Hamlisch. That, my friends, is how you command a stage. Truly, one of the greatest interpreters of popular song ever.

Now, on to the awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention:

Hugh Jackman: Was he born in a tux? He always seems so very comfortable in one. As if he sits at home watching rugby and eating popcorn while wearing one.

Denzel Washington: He gets it right. Every. Single. Year.

Third Place:

Christopher Plummer: He could give a master class in elegance and grace. I have a list of men I’d love to see take that class. (*cough*Quentin*cough*)

Second Place:

I’m giving this place to Joseph Gordon Leavitt and Daniel Radcliffe. I want to encourage young men in their efforts to look and behave like gentlemen. Plus, the song and dance number floored me. I knew Dan could sing and dance, but Joseph was a wonderful surprise. He’s going to be the master actor of his generation, just you watch.

First Place:  

Bradley Cooper (sigh): The classic tux. The neatly trimmed beard. The piercing eyes. That would get him attention. But what elevates him to first place is the class and generosity. Kristen Chenoweth loses her shoe on the red carpet and he kneels down to retrieve it and slide it on her foot (and I start having Cinderella fantasies). Then he rushes to Jennifer Lawrence’s side and lifts her up when she falls. And for him, it was utterly instinctive. Nothing will ever beat graciousness.

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention:

Charlize Theron: The dress was simply cut white with a peplum and narrow skirt, accented by glorious diamonds and the most perfect short haircut. Only a woman of her flawless beauty could have pulled off that outfit. She would have ranked higher, but her eye makeup made her look tired and old.

Samantha Barks: Rich teal color. A flawless silhouette. And a bit of sexy leg showing through. You deserve so much better than Marius.

Helen Hunt: Deep blue dress. Diamonds. Classic blond beauty. Simply magnificent.

Quevenzhané Wallis: An age-appropriate perfect princess. Your fairy godmother is brilliant
and you are charming and unaffected. May your midnight be a long time off.

Jane Fonda: One of the few women to wear bright color, she was striking in chartreuse with sequins to accent, not overwhelm. She was elegant, poised, and amazingly lovely.

The remaining women made it easy for us, being in bronze, silver, and gold.

Third Place:

Jessica Chastain: The bronze color of the dress made her skin and hair glow while the detailing
of the material enhanced her already gorgeous shape. It was lovely enough to make me forgive her for the two plus hours I wasted on Tree of Life.

Second Place:

Michelle Obama: Shining silver. Perfectly coiffed hair. Utterly fabulous silver earrings (that I totally covet). Plus, she had the good sense to stay three thousand miles away from Jack Nicholson who gets creepier every year.

First Place:  

Catherine Zeta-Jones: A golden goddess shining brighter than the sun. It was the perfect look: glittering, glamorous, elegant – with a touch of sex appeal. Though she shared the stage with three other people, she commanded all of the attention – and deservedly so.

Worst Dressed Men:

Really guys? How hard is it? Wear a tux, trim your beard, comb your hair. Yet, for some, this three-step process remains a challenge.

Honorable Mention:

Robert Downey, Jr.: Just not digging the all black with the polka dot pocket square. However, I could be persuaded to bury it.

Third Place:

Jack Nicholson: While in the audience, the lenses of his sunglasses matched the maroon (!) of his tie. There’s no sun indoors, Jack. Please stop trying to be cool . No one’s buying it any more. Now, you’re just old and debauched.

Second Place:

Quentin Tarantino: Really Quentin, I understand that you think you’re just too hip for all this, too unconventional to play the game with “the man.” Dude, you make films full of profanity and wanton, gratuitous violence. (Not a fan. Can you tell?) You film the warped fantasies of teenage boys. You needn’t dress like one. The leather tie pulled down. The untucked shirt. The classless speech about how brilliant you are. It’s long past time to grow up.

First Place:

Samuel L. Jackson: What possessed you, sir? What makes a dreadfully handsome man wake up
and think, I should wear a gray and maroon velvet tux to the Oscars? If you showed such poor judgment in choosing roles, you’d be playing community dinner theatre in the Outer Hebrides. I’d say Antarctica, but the penguins are better dressed and wouldn’t let you in.

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention:

Meryl Streep: Such an unflatteringly shaped dress. And walking to the mike she looked like she was scratching her tush. She’s a beautiful, intelligent woman. Why can’t she get this right?

Jennifer Aniston: I loved the red. I would have loved it more if the bodice had fit. It kept gaping. And the hair was a disaster. Is an updo THAT big a challenge for these women?

Anne Hathaway: The blush pink was too pale. The darts in the front made her boobs look pointy. The back looked silly, not sexy. And she basically described it as a mullet dress: business in the front, party in the back. That’s just wrong

Naomi Watts: Is there some reason that she’s always missing a part of her dress? (This time, the left shoulder.) If her mouse problem is that bad, it’s LONG past time to call in the exterminator.

Third Place:

Melissa McCarthy: Does she have a lifetime membership to Glittery Sacks R Us? It is possible for large women to choose flattering clothes. And to be both tasteful and funny. I guess Melissa didn’t get that memo.

Second Place:

The women who won for Hair and Makeup. I didn’t get their names. I was busy gouging out my eyes with a keychain. Wouldn’t you think that hair and makeup people would own brushes and combs? I’d think having your own comb would be a requirement for that job. And leggings? At the Oscars? Were your sweats in the wash?

Deborah Lee Furness: Pants and a ponytail? Were you going to the Oscars or driving the carpool to soccer? I sure hope you had the juice boxes in your purse.

First Place:

Helena Bonham Carter: She looked so miserable during the Les Miserables performance. I can only assume that she caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror backstage. A men’s tuxedo jacket, a short red dress, and army boots. You could go to Azkaban for an outfit like that. But you’ve broken out of there once, so it’s time to send you to the Elf Oscar Hall of Shame.

That’s all for this year! See you at the movies!