Welcome one and all to the 19^th Annual Elf Oscar Fashion Roundup! (Can you believe it’s been 19 years already? Seriously, I’ve been doing this more years than Meryl Streep has Oscar nominations.)

For those who are new to the roundup, here are the ground rules. I don’t comment on who should or should not have won. To tell you the truth, the only nominated film I saw was Frozen. I focus on attire, glamour, and graciousness. I do not watch any of the fashion commentaries or check social media before writing this roundup. I only watch the ABC red carpet show and the Oscars themselves. I do have the assistance of an adult beverage – this year I went quirky and drank a Bulgarian red. You are welcome to share this roundup, preferably with a link to this post.

Before we begin, some general comments:

I timed the show at 3 hours, 34 minutes, 1 minute shorter than last year! If that stupid pizza stunt hadn’t gone on so long, it would have finished even faster. And, to my mind, there were three montages too many. The only montage we need (other than clips from the nominated films) is the In Memoriam montage. Everything else is ballast holding us down.

Though the pizza stunt went on too long, I can certainly understand why Ellen felt compelled to order pizza. Some of those women are dangerously skinny. I’m talking to you Laura Dern. You’re just skin stretched over a skeleton.

Ellen was OK as host. She didn’t embarrass herself but she wasn’t exciting. I will say that the group selfie was pretty funny – mostly because of how everyone played along. Do I show my age by longing for the Billy Crystal days?

Oh, but Ellen, if you plan to wear a floppy tie and velvet, you really need a frock coat, not a standard cut jacket. If you’re going quirky, commit to it.

Sidney Poitier is the essence of class. And Angelina Jolie won my respect for her grace (though not her fashion sense) for the way she cared for him.

On the other end of the scale, was it my imagination or did Lara Palmer scratch her armpit during the ABC red carpet show?

Am I the only one who is longing for a film collaboration between Joseph Gordon-Leavitt and Emma Watson? They are both so charming and talented and gracious. I’d love to see what they can do together.

I did love Steve McQueen’s literal leap for joy.

Hope no one noticed that the Gravity composer, Stephen Price, spoiled the ending of the movie. Oops.

I love Viola Davis and she’s usually one of the best-dressed women in the room. I loved the teal dress and the shimmering clutch, but the way her dress was draped gave her a belly – and she is far from fat.

I loved the actresses dancing with Pharrell Williams – and they had some moves!

It’s so good to see Daniel Day-Lewis. And he’s looking wonderful. I’m so glad he finally broke down and bought a tux that fits.

Was it just me or were both Amy Adams and Sandra Bullock crying when they didn’t win? I can understand the emotion, but I’ve never seen it at the Oscars.

Lots of navy tuxes. I’m smelling a trend here. I’d prefer to stay with classic black, but navy is bearable in limited doses.

Adrutha Lee and Robin Matthews showed the pros and cons of dressing a plus-sized body. One wore a gorgeous strapless burgundy gown with a beautifully accented skirt and the other wore a blue velour gunny sack.

I was intrigued by the juxtaposition of the Dallas Buyers Club and the Wolf of Wall Street in the introduction of the Best Picture nominees. One movie is about buying and selling to keep yourself and others alive. The other is about buying and selling at the expense of others to feed your own debauchery. I wonder if the audience noticed.

I can’t believe John Travolta mispronounced Idina Menzel’s name.

Hands-down best acceptance speeches of the night went to Jared Leto and Lupita Nyong’o. Eloquent, passionate, and fully cognizant that Hollywood is not the epicenter of the universe.

Now, on to the awards:

Best Dressed Men:

Honorable Mention: Jonah Hill, because he actually looked all grown up and pulled together.

Third Place: Leonardo DiCaprio: You know, he always looks good. I hate his films, but I have to give the devil his due.

Second Place:  Bradley Cooper: Another homerun. Consistently classic and gorgeous.

First Place:  Samuel L. Jackson. Yep. This is how it’s done.

Best Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention:

Amy Adams was a gorgeous as the night sky in a navy sheath with gorgeous teardrop earrings and an elegant and classy rolled chignon. Can I tell you how glad I am she didn’t borrow from her American Hustle wardrobe?

Naomi Watts: I feel compelled to give her an honorable mention simply because her dress was in one piece. Usually, her sleeves are falling off or the skirt is torn in pieces or the mice have eaten holes in the fabric. I’m just happy that she’s wearing clothes that aren’t in the process of being deconstructed.

Kate Hudson: Silver white with a deep plunging neckline  – she was like a waterfall caught by Elsa’s magic. And the hair was the epitome of the Hollywood glamour girl.

Third Place:

Lupita Nyong’o: Sky blue silk in a deep plunge and a flowing skirt with a lovely headband as a crown. She was as beautiful and a hope-filled as the breath of dawn.

Jennifer Lawrence: A fire engine red sheath, diamonds training across your shoulder blades, and a fierce short blond ‘do. I’d like to think that Cinna taught you something!

Second Place: Sandra Bullock: The navy silk was utterly gorgeous and draped expertly to provide the most flattering silhouette. The hair was utterly fabuloous – shiny and flowing and glamorous. And she seems to have lost the orange lipstick – and a weary world rejoices.

First Place:  Charlize Theron: Your black dress was an architectural marvel. The petal-shaped bodice highlighted your beauty and your confidence. Quite simply, my dear, you’re a star.

Worst Dressed Men:

Really guys? How hard is it? Wear a tux, trim your beard, comb your hair. Yet, for some, this three-step process remains a challenge.

Honorable Mention:

Either Nicholas Reed or Malcom Clarke (I can’t tell them apart.) A brown velvet tuxedo jacket is never the good choice. Never.

Edge: You need to take off the hat. Now. We’ll wait. We know it’s your trademark, but it’s the Oscars. You can put it on to sing – like a costume.

Third Place:

Jim Carrey: The black shirt and tie I might have tolerated (though you really aren’t cool enough), but the shiny blue jacket was just too much. You’re shtick is older than Bill Murray looks.

Chris Hemsworth; No maroon jacket.  No. Couldn’t you just have worn your Thor costume? (No, seriously, the Thor costume.)

Second Place:

Jared Leto: Oh baby, you’re gorgeous, but that was just all kinds of wrong. You were NOT pretty. I love long hair on men – L.O.V.E. it! But yours was scraggly and unkempt. Conditioner! You’ll find it right next to the shampoo at the Target. And the white tux with red bow tie did you absolutely no favors.

First Place:

Will Smith: Seriously Will, you’re giving the Best Picture Oscar and you can’t be bothered to wear a tie? It’s a formal event – suck it up. You inflicted the Wild Wild West on us, you can wear a tie once a year.

Worst Dressed Women:

Honorable Mention:
Anna Kendrick: peekaboo lace and sequined applique. Not so much with the loving it.

Cate Blanchett: You are such a beautiful woman and your hair was a masterpiece (pssst, you seem to like Sally Hawkins. Maybe you could introduce her to your hairdresser? 'K, thanks.) But the dress was a disaster. The nude netting did no favors for your skin tone and it looked for all the world as if the dress was strewn with sequins and cotton balls. What were you thinking?

Kristin Anderson-Lopez: Why did you spoil a lovely black gown with that hideous pink bow?

Angelina Jolie: Why would a woman with your striking beauty wear such an unflattering gray dress. Dressing like Meryl Streep won’t get you better roles.

Third Place:

Catherine Martin: So nice to see someone making use of the upholstery fabric remnants, but couldn’t you just have whipped up a few throw pillows and then bought yourself a proper dress?

And then Bette Midler. While it wasn’t the disaster of some of her past get-ups, I’m virtually positive that I’ve seen that pattern on the wallpaper samples at the Home Depot. (And I could have done without the flapping – we get it – the song is about wings.)

Mom DiCaprio: Your son is up for an Oscar and you can’t go floor-length? Ask Mrs. McConaghey to take you shopping.

Second Place:

Sally Hawkins: Sweetie, there were just too many beads. We’d need to go to the replay, but I’d bet a pan of brownies that the dress weighs more than you do. (Even if I lose, she can eat the brownies and gain some much needed weight.) And your hair! I have no words. Combing is good. So is styling and hairspray. Or a nice updo. Maybe you could take the beads off the dress and put them in some nice jeweled hairpins to keep things tidy.

Kim Novak: Were you dressed for the Oscars or for dinner at Ruth’s Chris? As a general rule, pants are not acceptable at a formal event. Though I will admit to rare exceptions, this was not one. And she has had some really bad plastic surgery. Growing old with grace could only be an improvement.

First Place:

Whoopi Goldberg: What possessed her to wear that monstrosity? For all the world, it looked like a man’s white shirt under a strapless black sheath. I don’t know what would compel a designer to craft something so abominably ugly and I have no idea why anyone would wear it unless said designer was holding a loved one captive.

That’s all for this year! See you at the movies!